You guys…I am in a bad place…

Last week I gained back everything I had lost in the previous two weeks, I have no idea what I was thinking! I feel like I am taking revenge, but its just on myself, so how is this helpful. I ate more than I ever would have normally not being on a diet, or CONSCIOUS, at least. What on earth?

It is on my mind ALL the time! I am always thinking about it, but yet, I don’t want to do anything about it.

Let me tell you, I finally got on the treadmill last night and my husband practically had to kick me out of the apartment. It was part of my plan but it was this inner struggle over and over and over again. It was like it was the hardest thing that I have ever done for some reason. I HATE THIS! I stayed on the treadmill for 30 min and thought of a few months back when I felt amazing, was losing consistently, and ran 13.1 miles!!! I loved it, what is this all about?

I thought a little more about it. Like the fact that I sit in this apartment every ding dang day of my life and don’t see anyone but Ashton and Daniel. As much as I love being a SAHM I think it has disengaged me from life. Why buy cute clothes, why work out, why participate in life. What? I have to get back out there, somewhere, I have to make myself. We are going to check out a gym this weekend and maybe I will go to the classes. I just have to think about this and do it. I despise myself right now, at least this part..I feel…FAT!! Ewwww!

I was also thinking, it’s an addiction. Like with alcohol, you know its not good to over do it, but you can’t stop anymore. It’s like, yea, I want to..I need to…I don’t care. I have no idea how my mind is going to get around this. I am going shopping in a little while to get “good foods”. I hope this helps a little.

I just want this to get better, I want it to go away. I don’t think its going to..EVER! I can’t have two good weeks, and two bad weeks and think I am going to go DOWN in size. Not going to happen. I am at my wits end and thoroughly annoyed!!! I just want to be one of those people who are excited about sprouts and protein shakes, but I just want to enjoy cheesecake and chocolate! I just want too much..come on brain, come on!!!

So there is my random rant..I am going to put up my weight EVERY week..I need the accountability!

I’ll post it this weekend…it’s back to the highest again…I don’t want to hide from this. I have to change the way I am thinking…ok…


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